Proof Reads

 By Rob Currie

“Drink Responsibly,” is in interesting instruction.  It comes directly from health professionals and government ministers – people who worry about the state of your liver, and how much it will cost to fix it respectively.  They are telling you to drink in moderation and, from a medical perspective, quite rightly too.  But can that instruction be interpreted differently?

Alcohol doesn’t just bother your liver – it also muddles your brain and lowers your inhibitions.  People tend to talk more freely and feel a bit braver than when sober.  A little Dutch courage and maybe you’ll be able to talk to the pretty girl in the corner.  On the other hand, you might find yourself telling your boss what you really think of him, or forgetting that your girlfriend’s coming round and the pretty girl’s still asleep in your bed…

But here’s a thought: does alcohol make us do stupid things, or does it actually allow us to break down the walls of etiquette and be the person we really are?  Are inhibitions a bad thing?  Is being honest with yourself and others a bad thing?  In any other context, the answer would of course be: no.  Perhaps Dutch courage is the proper state of things and sobriety is the actual failing.

Drink responsibly.  Undoubtedly, my philosophy doesn’t go hand in hand with a healthy lifestyle but I have to wonder whether a shortened life is a fair price for a life well-lived.  I’m drunk right now, and in my heart I know the answer is Yes.  In my booze-induced state of honesty, I can say without doubt that it’s not only a fair price – it’s a bargain.

 By Rob Currie

Alcoholism is often represented on TV, but not every alcoholic character can claim to be known worldwide.  In the USA, the drinking habits of Dallas’ Sue Ellen Ewing are legend, while in the UK most will know of the drunken ravings of Shameless’ Frank Gallagher.

There is, however, a TV show that unites both nations.  Among its huge cast and throughout its long history, there is one character who has constantly battled alcoholism in many classic episodes.  During his sober period he was able to achieve brilliant things, including flying a helicopter, and training to be an astronaut.  Yes, Barney Gumble from The Simpsons is perhaps the most famous alcoholic on television today.

“That’s nice,” I hear you say.  “So what?”

So everything.  Alcoholism is a theme that is constantly returned to in the arts.  Just think about all those famous alcoholics of the screen: Arthur Bach (Arthur), Withnail (Withnail & I), ‘Bluto Blutarsky’ (Animal House), Norm Peterson (Cheers), Brie Van de Kamp (Desperate Housewives), Karen Walker (Will & Grace), and any number of cowboys from the spaghetti westerns.

Barney Gumble is a character in an animated comedy show, and he trumps all these characters as far as modern-day recognition is concerned.  Consider also, given that The Simpsons is a cartoon, the depth and detail given to Barney’s situation.  In a move that voice actor Dan Castellaneta pushed for, Barney sobered up during the shows eleventh season.  He becomes addicted to coffee instead, an alternative recovering alcoholics often turn to in real-life.  Perhaps most realistically, Barney relapses, and becomes one of Moe’s barflies once again.

It’s an accurate portrayal amongst the comedy and craziness of The Simpsons, but its realism and detail (particularly the period where Barney sobered up) has been criticised as one of the hallmarks of The Simpsons’ decline in quality.  I put it to you, however, that Barney’s is one of the finest stories the show has ever told.

 By Rob Currie

My friend Natalie introduced me to a lot of things: bread and butter sprinkled with sugar, Come Dine With Me, and unfortunately for me one night, her family.

When I was at university, she came into my flat one day and sat down.  She looked me right in the eye and said flatly, “my mum’s throwing a party and you have to come.”  Obviously, I was confused.  It turned out that her mum and stepdad were hosting a Grease VS The Sound of Music themed party, and fancy dress was compulsory.  Natalie couldn’t get out of it, and as misery loves company, she was bringing a crowd.  I agreed to go, but if I’d known what lay ahead I would’ve stayed home with the telly and some sugary bread!

It’s a known fact that drinking alcohol can cause memory lapses, but there’s a whole load of factors to consider:  How much and how often a person drinks, how old they are, and their gender, to name but a few.  Back then, I was a frequently drinking, 19 year-old male (two of those facts are still true), and I honestly thought I could drink and drink with no ill effects ever.  However, various studies have shown that alcohol impairs the brain’s ability to take short-term memories and experiences, and transfer them to long-term memory.

The party was good … at least, that’s what I’m told.  I’m not writing about this party from memory of course, this has all been recounted back to me by my girlfriend who came with us.  Apparently Natalie’s dad answered the door dressed as a nun holding a roll-up and a tin of special brew (talk about a bad habit!).  I’m also told an aunt in a wheelchair came dressed as the actual car from Grease, which put my T-Bird costume to total shame.

To my shame, I managed to throw up all over a brand new futon, before making my escape the next morning.  Maybe it wasn’t unfortunate for me that Natalie introduced me to their family.  It was certainly worse for them.  At least I don’t remember it!

Gary Glitter and Absinthe in Edinburgh

  by Rob Currie  

I’ll never forget the first time I tasted absinthe.  It was in Edinburgh, during the International Festival in August.  The city, for that month, is home to thousands of performers from across the globe and at night they and their audiences are keen to take a drink or two.  My friend Lewis and I decided to join the revellers on one of these mad summer nights and get a little bit rough ourselves.

Due to financial constraints we decided to drink in some of the less showy establishments the city has to offer.  Bar Salsa in the Grassmarket, with its strangely sticky tables was our starting point, and it was here that we saw a bottle of La Fée Absinthe behind the bar.  Lewis’ face lit up and he ordered two for us.  The ‘Green Fairy’ was poured and very much drunk.

I say ‘poured,’ but there’s more to it than that.  Absinthe drinkers require a touch of patience, as there’s some preparation to go through before it even touches your lips.  A shot of absinthe is poured into a glass and across the top you place a special slotted spoon.  A sugar cube goes on the spoon and 3-5 parts water (to your 1 part absinthe) are poured over the sugar.  The parts of the absinthe that aren’t soluble in water start to cloud the drink – this is called ‘louching’ (from the French, louche, meaning ‘opaque’).  Absinthe has a particular anise flavour but louching brings the previously more subtle herbal flavours to the fore.  It is delicious, and it’s got one hell of a kick.

We drank three glasses each before the bartender stopped serving them to us.  Why?  By 1915, absinthe had been banned in the United States and most European countries, in part because of some drinkers experiencing  hallucinations.  Absinthe was blamed for much psychosis in those days, and this was the kindling that the temperance movement used to light a fire in the early 1900s, which ultimately lead to the banning of absinthe in many places throughout the world. Although the drink has always been legal in the United Kingdom, many bars and clubs restrict the amount they’ll sell to a patron.  Luckily this posed no great problem to us as Edinburgh is saturated with pubs – finding another with absinthe for sale would be easy.

Our next stop was a club on the Cowgate, Subway.  It’s closed now, which is probably a blessing – to give you an idea, the place had toilets a fly would think twice about going into.  On the upside though, the place had more than one bartender and a great deal more absinthe was consumed.  After a while, we went outside for a smoke and got talking to a couple of Americans who were performing a show (another beauty of the Festival – everyone talks to everyone).

We asked them what their show was about:  “A young guy,” they said, “who loves the music and achievements of his favourite musician… Gary Glitter.”  When they saw the sceptical looks on our faces, they quickly added, “oh, but it’s not about paedophilia or anything!”   Despite ourselves, we asked them what their show was called.  “Up the Gary,” they told us, and at that point we had to leave in fits of laughter.

The absinthe was truly kicking in by now.  I mentioned before that rather than a traditional drunk experience, absinthe tends to have a more hallucinatory effect on people.  Indeed, Lewis was convinced for quite some time that I had punched him from the other side of the room… somehow.  You should know though, that we had drunk an irresponsible amount, and  in smaller quantities you almost certainly won’t get this result.

Lewis and I staggered home at five in the morning, wobbling along Prince’s Street as the sun rose.  It had been brilliant, and for that single night out I will always award absinthe, the ‘Green Fairy’, a solid five stars.  ‘Up the Gary’ got surprisingly good reviews too!